Hi all,
Here is the 2nd draft of my cover letter. I essentially tailored it to another job which I felt was more suitable to my skills though it may not be my first choice. I have changed names to maintain privacy.
To whom it may concern,
Application for position of Junior Animal Management Officer
I am writing to apply for the position of Junior Animal Management Officer in the Singapore Zoo after working with the Fragile Forest Department for my Final year Project and seeing a vacancy on the Wildlife Reserves Singapore Website. I am expecting to graduate from National University of Singapore (NUS) with a 2nd Upper Class Honours in Life Sciences (specializing in Biology). I wish to begin my career with the Singapore Zoo due to its world class record of championing conservation while maintaining excellent profit margins. With the recent introduction of the River Safari, there have been greater expectations towards the Zoo as a globally renowned attraction. I am therefore eager to be part of an organization with such an exciting new direction.
I have been in the Biology laboratory specializing in amphibian ecology and reproduction under the supervision of Asst. Professor Daniel Banner. Prof. Banner has worked together with the zoo on several occasions, notably the python rehabilitation project and the amphibian App for mobile devices; hence I am sure I can act as a valuable go-between for both the zoo and the laboratory for future collaborations.
As a life sciences graduate, I have honed my analytical skills through various research projects that I have undertaken in my course of study in NUS. I have had experience in frog and tadpole husbandry and dissection, keeping 200 individuals alive over the course of 5 months by efficiently utilizing a limited budget of $300. I possess extensive knowledge of locally endangered frogs, which would be useful to the Fragile Forest Exhibit as I am capable of spearheading their breeding projects.
Lastly, through my leadership experiences in NUS Photographic Society as Logistics Director and NUS Science Computer Based Learning Centre as Logistic Director and Vice President of Operations, I have acquired competencies in event management and daily operational optimization. I have organized annual fairs for both organizations reaching out to more than 5000 people and achieving profits up to $2200 net. Therefore, with my unique skill set, I believe that I am well suited to contribute to the enhancement of Fragile Forest as a prominent attraction within the zoo.
Thank you for your time in reviewing my application. I have enclosed my resume for your consideration. I look forward to a face-to-face interview with you to discuss my suitability for this position. I can be contacted at 12345678 or frogpuan@gmail.com at your convenience.
Yours Sincerely,
Christopher Puan Ziyang
Dainslaif88's Blog 
Hey Christopher,
this actually sounds like quite an interesting job! What I like about your application letter is that you really tried to match your experiences and skills to the job requirements which will cause the HR personnel at the zoo to really pause and look closely at your application.
However one area I thought could be improved on was the use of a topic sentence in the second paragraph of your application letter. I think it would work to your advantage by highlighting that you can act as a valuable go-between for both the zoo and the laboratory right at the beginning of the paragraph and then elaborating more, as opposed to placing it at the end. This is because if the HR personnel are really busy and merely skim through each application letter, it is more likely that they will look at the what is at the start of each paragraph rather than what is at the end. This way, they won’t miss out any information that you have to offer to them.
Also, I’m not entirely sure what your job scope entails, but I’m assuming it has something to do with boosting the popularity of Fragile Forest as one of the sights in the zoo. Maybe you might want to add creativity and team player into your skill set if you have space? Because I’m sure this job involves working with a group of people, so highlighting that you are a team player would be useful.
But otherwise great job on the cover letter! (:
Hi Christopher,
I would say that this is a very well written cover letter. Both the language and the structure are clear, formal and professional. Even though I have very little to do with biology, I am able to understand what kind of job you are interested in and why you fit perfectly into the job description.
Here are a few hints from me, which you might consider:
1/ For an outside reader, however, it might be a bit difficult to distinguish if it is a letter of interest or an application letter. I would assume that the position was advertised, since we were supposed to find such, so you might underline, which offer you are responding to. That might be already a separate paragraph.
2/ River Safari is more more an addition than a ‘direction’, don’t you think? (End of the first paragraph)
3/ ‘go-between’- maybe there is less informal word for that? Maybe a ‘link’ between the zoo and the laboratory?
4/ ‘I have had experience’ – Either I have experience or I have had experienced (bla bla) by the time something happened? Wow, I do not remember this complicated past form any more.
5/ ‘(…)experiences in NUS Photographic Society as Logistics Director and NUS Science Computer Based Learning Centre as Logistic Director and Vice President of Operations (…)’ It’s a bit too long, don’t you think? i had to read it twice to follow all the positions you covered there. I would suggest either writing about the jobs, explaining what were your positions and tasks. In the new sentence what you have learned from them, how they upgraded your professional life.
Well done Chris.
Feel free to ‘fire back’ and comment on my letter (as soon as I post it) 🙂
Hi Chris!
This sounds like an interesting job!
Your cover letter is generally well written.
Something that I think can be improved upon is that in the 3rd paragraph, you started off by saying that “(you) have honed (your) analytical skills through various research projects”. Hence, I was expecting an example of how your research projects have helped to improve your skills and how this skill will help in your job. However, you went on to talk about your experience with amphibians, and I thought it didn’t have a link to your analytical skills. Maybe I didn’t catch the link?
Otherwise, good luck to your job hunt! (:
Samantha